Denise Goldberg's blog

Sunday, August 19, 2007

So sad...

A few weeks back, I planned a quick trip to Philadelphia for this weekend - for the sole purpose of visiting with my brother. I suppose that timing is everything; I needed to be there, to see him once more, to hug him, to let him know in person that I care.

This isn't mine to write about, but sometimes I need to let my thoughts flow...

It appears that he's nearing the end of a losing battle, a battle that he has been fighting for over a year and a half, a battle with stage IV cancer. He still wants to live, he doesn't want to give up, he hasn't given up.

Watching him solidifies my thoughts about how (I think) I will react when it is me going through this stage of life. Somehow, I think that my thoughts may not be right though - because this is something that you can't live for someone else, that you can't imagine unless you are going through it yourself. What do I want? Honestly, I think I want an off-switch so that I can decide when enough is enough instead of waiting for the inevitable, instead of living with severe pain, instead of living with "life limitations". (And it's too bad that we don't often get to make that choice ourselves.) Don't get me wrong - I want to live. I just want a quality of life that continues to make me happy. And no, I'm not trying to pass my thoughts on to my brother. I honor his strength of character, his love for his family, and his desire to continue living in spite of everything.

Is it even possible to ever be ready?

Tears flow down my face when I least expect them. I'm clearly not in control of my feelings, but honestly, I think that is perfectly normal at this point in time.

Tears, sadness, memories...